For some, the holiday season is filled with fun festivities like gift exchanges, work parties, cookie-making, or fancy cocktail extravaganzas. The narrative shouted across our communities is– “Drink and be merry,” “Tis the season to be jolly,” or “The most wonderful time of year.” For those who know grief deeply, this broadcasted seasonal message feels like a stark contrast to our loss and is a frequent reminder of the empty seat(s) at the table.
No matter how much time has passed, it is completely okay and normal if you are not excited about this holiday. The weeks leading up to the holidays may be especially hard for you. The first step in managing grief is to accept that the emotional waves may hit you extra hard this season.
While there are no rules for surviving holiday grief, we are sharing some tips to help you cope ahead and ground yourself during this season.
Give yourself permission to grieve
During the holidays, there are many quiet moments that leave space for the raw power of your loss. It is felt in all parts of your being, and coping mechanisms that may have brought you peace along various points in your grief journey often don't bring you the same comfort. Because grief shape-shifts over time, accepting that your coping mechanisms during the holidays may need to evolve can be fundamental. Accept that these waves will come and there are new coping strategies you can try to implement as you move through this pain instead of suppressing or rejecting it.
Listen to your body
Grief isn’t only emotional. Many people notice it in their bodies too, as fatigue, tension, headaches, changes in sleep or appetite, or getting sick more easily. It's important to tune into your body when grieving and ask it what it needs. Maybe your body needs extra rest during the week leading up to the holiday, regular meals, or gentle movement. Caring for your body during this time can help you feel a little steadier.
Explore a calming space
Changing up your scenery whether it's getting out in nature or trying a new yoga studio may help revitalize your spirit. Maybe challenge yourself to a gentle walk and explore a beautiful nature preserve or open space. You can also look into wellness studios.
Try new self-care or grief-healing rituals
Music can also be a healing grief ritual. Listening to music provides a safe space to feel the emotions of loss. Songs have a beginning, a middle, and an end, so they provide a naturally contained space for moving through our emotions. Sometimes knowing you have three minutes until the song ends is a comfort. When we listen to music that moves us, it’s hard to avoid our feelings, which can help us move through this new wave of grief. If you are feeling up to it we suggest picking a song and listening, crying, or doing whatever you need to do, and know that in about three minutes, the song will be over.
Another form of self-care is journaling your thoughts and feelings in the moments when the grief feels unbearable. Journaling is a form of self-expression and self-exploration. It can be cathartic, as you tune into what your grief brings up for you. Is it sadness, loneliness, anger, jealousy, denial, heaviness, guilt, or every feeling in between? Naming these unexpected emotions that lie underneath your grief, can help you to speak your truth without judgment and process this wide range of emotions. If it feels right to you, you can have a conversation with your loved one in your journal. While your relationship with your loved one may have changed, the relationship you have never goes away. Maybe it could be turning towards your spirituality and belief system. This may bring you some comfort as you move through this particularly challenging holiday grief.
Need extra support?
If grief feels overwhelming, isn’t easing over time, or is making it hard to function day to day, extra support can help. If you are having difficulty managing your grief this holiday season, the psychologists at Telegraph Psychology Collective (formerly North Berkeley Counseling Collective) are here to offer a supportive environment for healing. Therapists in the collective see clients in person in Berkeley, Kensington and Marin County, as well as online in California, New York, Florida, Virginia, and Hawaii. Book your first session today! If you are having thoughts of suicide or feel unsafe, call or text 988, any time.